I wrote the following to some dear friends of mine back in September. I needed to process what I was feeling through writing. Maybe someone out there needs to know they are not alone when they uncontrollably start sobbing in the pharmacy line.
The Last Straw
“It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.” We all know the saying and we all understand its meaning. The straw that broke me was an advertisement promoting birth control for $20 a month. I was standing in line, at what had to be the busiest Walgreens on the planet, and I broke.
Some Background
A doctor I respect told us, as we were meeting with her about our infertility journey, that we would know when it was time to end the infertility marathon of medical interventions and procedures. She said we would know when it was too much, too invasive, too financially straining, and too emotionally exhausting. Well, she was right. That day came on September 9, 2025, in a Walgreens pharmacy line.
I need to say more about this doctor and the practice where she works, Veritas Fertility and Surgery, but their healing work deserves a post of its own. For now, just know they do beautiful work in restorative reproductive health using NaPro technology and surgery. Every woman struggling with infertility needs to check them out and other doctors like them. Unfortunately, they are a six-hour drive away so not every appointment can be in their office. They would order ultrasounds or other tests and get the results, but I would have to go to local places to have them done. I have only been in person for my surgery.
Losing it at the Pharmacy
I had just left another invasive infertility appointment in a room covered in birth control posters at an Ob/Gyn office that, ironically seemed to highlight how to prevent kids as opposed to having them. I went to pick up my prescriptions only to find I would have to wait over two hours and pay more than $300 for one single dose. Insurance would not cover the medicine, as with most things relating to infertility. I told them I do not live in town and cannot wait that long. They said they would try and rush it.
I ran errands and returned but I still needed to wait. I stood there waiting and thinking. I left home that morning at 6:45 and really needed to get back. Not only did our animals need tending to, but I had commitments to fulfill an hour outside of town. My gaze turned to the left and there was the sign for the $20 birth control. My eyes welled up with tears and I knew I had to leave.
I got in the car and sobbed the entire 45-minute drive home. I told my friend that evening that the long drive gives you too much time to cry. She said something to the nature of, “maybe it is good it is a long drive, so you have enough time to process it all.” She is probably right because when I got home things were better.
When I shared all of this with Jonathan we hugged and he told me how much he loved me. I think we both knew it was time to call it quits, medically speaking.
Broken System
We live in a broken system. Satan has turned things upside down. This is not news to me. I did not learn this at Walgreens, but I did feel the weight of everything converging all at once. I can prevent having a kid for $20 a month, probably less with insurance. I could have an abortion, in other words kill a baby, for much less than we have spent over the years in trying to welcome life, and we haven’t even done expensive invitro! As if infertility is not a big enough punch in the gut already, they almost flaunt the cost difference. The saddest part is knowing our culture is playing right into Satan’s hands by propping up one and hindering the other. Society loses and they don’t even realize it.
Unfair
Things are not always fair. Insurance is definitely one of those things. What is covered and what is not seems arbitrary. Big Pharma seems to always win while people lose. Things that are not necessary or truly helpful are covered while real medical issues are not. People who don’t want kids get pregnant and people who do want them, can’t. The list can go on in all facets of life. We were not promised that our life would be fair. Sometimes that works in our favor. We are sinners who deserve death, but yet God, through his son Jesus, gives us an opportunity at life with him. But, we are promised that God will be with us through it all, and in the end his justice will reign.
We also do not get everything we want in life. That is how it works. I am not entitled to a child; they are a gift from God. He has a plan for us and it it will always be better and higher than mine. We should hope to grow in holiness and virtue through the difficulties and pray we point people to Christ along the way.
It is not about the $300. We have paid for it several times before and could again. It hurts but we could do it. It goes back to what the doctor told me at that appointment last year. Standing in that line at Walgreens, it all happened. It was too much. The poking, prodding, and interrogating, the invasive ultrasounds with different people, retelling our story of every surgery, procedure, diet, or medicine tried, hearing the phrase, “it is not covered by insurance” – it was too much. We were physically, financially, and emotionally spent.
Gratitude
That does not mean we are not grateful for all that we have learned or the procedures we have tried. I am way healthier all around than I was before visiting Veritas Fertility. Plus, they fixed my fallopian tube! We don’t regret the steps we have taken or the money spent. We won’t have to think, “what if we had just done that one more thing.” We did everything doctors asked, except for the things we are morally opposed to, and now it is time to move forward. We will continue with the diet, vitamins, and bloodwork, but no more visits or ultrasounds or overly expensive medications.
Hope
Though we are ending this part, we are moving forward with hope. God can do anything. We will still do our part to try. We are still open to life in whatever way God has planned for us. We will still say “yes” to opportunities even if they end in heartbreak like in the past. May we be like Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (also known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) as they were sent to the furnace for not worshipping Nebuchadnezzar’s false gods. They knew God could save them, but said even if he chooses not to, no other will we worship. We know God can give us a child, but even if he does not, he is and always will be worthy of our worship!
Leave a Reply